Category: Mom Humor

Today I feel like my parents (especially my mom) would have had a good laugh at me getting a dose of what goes around comes around with children in public places…

I took Addie to the doctor to have her ears checked. She has not been sleeping and has generally been crabby lately. She has really perfected the scream squealing and has been experimenting with that as a means to wake us up, ask for food, express her thoughts on diaper changes and putting on clothes, or just imply we are generally subpar parents, etc. So the mom worry kicked in and while I suspect it’s the 18 month sleep regression/two year molars/and the terrible twos tude, I started worrying that maybe she had an ear infection and I’m a terrible mother.

FYI, she doesn’t.

Anyway, she was doing her best attempts to break glass with her squealing because I wouldn’t let her open all the cabinets and play in the trash can in the doctors office (I’m mean like that). We were waiting on our paperwork and for an antibiotic to be called in because Sam is trying really hard to get bronchitis. When it was time to leave we walked into the hallway and there was a PA there we have NEVER seen before. Addie immediately stuck her arms out for her to hold her. And she did. Addie then blew me kisses and waved goodbye. Every time I would try to grab her she would lean away.

Eventually it was getting weird and I figured the very kind lady probably needed to actually do work (though the thought did occur to me that maybe God was telling me to just go, I mean I was joking with Steve about leaving her at the fire department maybe this was my sign? KIDDING! No one panic.) So I grab her and she proceeds to freak out like I am abducting her as I carry her out of the office. Fun times.

It’s payback.

As a young child I was in a large very full Catholic Church service. Some versions of this tale report it was a holiday but that might be an embellishment. At any rate, I was being a little chatty. My mom whispered, “Do I need to take you to the little girls room?”

:::Code for “STOP BEING A JERK. DO YOU WANT A SPANKING?”:::

I did not want a spanking. (Which I use the word spanking loosely because it was never hard enough to actually hurt.)

So, I announced in my loudest voice, “Mommy, don’t beat me till I bleed again!” (I have never been beaten and certainly not made to bleed). So suddenly my mom had a lot of eyes on her as she carried me in to the hall mortified. She said she stayed where everyone could see her so they would know I was just fine, albeit a clever little jerk.

Oh, kids.

Now back to telling Sam to stop licking things.

This is why we will all have Ebola.

Guess what totally barbaric screening exam I had yesterday… The technician assured me I won’t always be so… square. Kidding, but now that I have your attention…

In the last 6 months I have had 3 friends diagnosed with breast cancer. Three young friends.

Friends, we are there. We are at the age where it’s time to be proactive in our health if we aren’t already. My mom was 33ish at her diagnosis which she found because she felt it. She then had to convince people that she needed to be taken seriously.

Did you know…

“Breast cancer is the most common cancer in American women, except for skin cancers. Currently, the average risk of a woman in the United States developing breast cancer sometime in her life is about 12%. This means there is a 1 in 8 chance she will develop breast cancer.” (ACS)

Are mammograms fun, nope. Are they the worst thing ever, nope. The technicians are always very kind and attempt to be as gentle and respectful of your privacy as they can, while simultaneously using a large cold plastic machine to flatten and hold part of your body with what the machine says is 17lbs of pressure. They usually take 4 pictures. Yesterday I got two extras of the side area since I changed mammogram facilities (I said “side boob” but the lady had a much less crass term for it that I can’t recall.)

I read a comment once that compared the mammogram to having to ice cold book ends attached and then a car backing over them. That seems pretty accurate to me.

In all honesty they are over in about 10 mins. Sadly, they are what we have as technology for detection currently that insurance is willing to pay for. It’s is suggested that all women have them yearly by age 45, with the option to start at 40 if they want to. If you have a higher than average risk you should talk to your doctor about earlier screenings, and maybe even consider genetic testing. Because of my family history I did. Not just for me, but so my kids have a better idea of their risk down the road.

So I got my mammogram yesterday, today I got my MRI (which I actually have a near panic attack over). I am high risk because of family history so I’m being proactive. I try to focus on the fact that I’m being a ginormous pansy about the MRI and that I’m blessed that this is just a screening for me and not because I am actually sick.

So because I love you all, please consider getting your mammograms and regular check ups. Do your self exams. Remind those around you the same. Next year when it’s this time ask me if I have my MRI scheduled and tell me to put on my big girl pants and do it.

Ps-I feel like if squishing any part of the male body was a yearly test then there might suddenly be an urgency to develop a less aggressive test. Side eye.

#spongelaurensquarebra

#areyousupposedtotakethetissuesoutofthebox

#nowdontmoveandholdyourbreath

***Edited to add-

My friend Diana mentioned that her doctor actually wants the initial one done at 35 now! I got my first at 24 so I’ve been getting them for a few years (I’m :::only cough cough::: 28ish, ok fine 38) and didn’t know that new info.***