Author: Lauren Hoegler

Let’s talk about something that strikes FEAR in roughly 90% (totally made up) of people…

That moment when you go to take a photo but the camera is on “selfie” mode and you are met with whatever amazingly awkward face you make when trying to take a photo. And if the intended object of the photo is your child (two or four legged), multiply the look of frustration and anxiety and add in extra gray hair for toddlers and teenagers. “One second kids, hold still while I open the camera app, AHHHH, who let Sloth from the Goonies in here?!” 
I think that this is a trick that “unnamed major phone manufacturers” use and secretly monitor. There is probably a wall or a website for employees only of “unnamed major phone manufacturer” where they auto post to. Oh the LOL’s they must have at the expense of us normal folks. Perhaps I need to up my anxiety meds and consult my doctor about paranoia? 
Really though, want to really see that double chin you have? This is the way. Think those hours at the gym and all those salads are paying off, nope. Nopity nope nope. Perhaps you are a pregnant stay at home mom and you showered and have on makeup and are feeling pretty okay about things. BAM, hello wrinkles and adult acne, wow so pale too! Maybe that’s just me.
Let’s also talk about the other 20% (again, statistic is totally made up and I can’t remember what I said before). These are the people that see this unexpected selfie view and think, “Hey there hot stuff, lookin good.” I envision them doing the finger gun Shooter McGavin thing too. You know this person. We all know them. We love hate them. Bless their hearts. :::eye roll::: You might be pretty on the outside but ugly in your heart and ugly is forever people. I kid, Jesus can help with the ugly inside. 
If you have never experienced this fear I speak of I know how you can re-create the look. Set your phone on selfie mode and then try to open a pickle jar. Or any jar, but if it’s pickles I will help you eat them (unless it’s bread and butter style, gross, have you no taste?!?) I digress… 

It’s not pretty. If you don’t laugh till you cry at the pure ridiculousness of your expression we probably can’t be friends. Especially if you eat bread and butter pickles, ew.

Well… I have joked about starting a blog or writing a book of the shenanigans that are our daily life, so why not now?

My “luck” with weird electronic stuff has struck again. I have some news (not really bad or good, more entertaining than anything). Our Christmas cards are going to be more of a New Years Card this year. I didn’t forget, I didn’t even screw it up. A well known company is to blame for my “pain and anguish.” I ordered the cards and bought my stamps and was generally prepared to have them to friends and family ahead of Christmas. But they showed up like this. 

I just can’t. I thought it was just the top card. Nope, all 150 of them. My photos and our names, all missing. First I panicked. Did I go all preggo brain and submit them like that!?! No, I did check. 

Am I being punk’d? Where is Ashton?!?

After spending 20 minutes (when I should have been working on dinner) searching for a phone number to call and see what the deal was, I had to request a call back from them. It was immediate at least. 

This is basically how it went down.

“Hi, this is ‘Karen’ from ‘a big store you have heard of before’ customer service. May I speak with the person that requested the call back?”

“That’s me.”

“How can I help you today?” (Which I had to already write in detail in my request for a call)

“Well, I just got my Christmas cards I ordered and expedited and they are not correct.”

“What is incorrect about them?”

“They didn’t print the pictures or words I added, it’s just the blank template, or rather 150 of the blank template. They did print the return address on the envelopes correctly though.”

“I’m very sorry ma’am, let me pull up the order… blah blah blah… I will be glad to process a refund for you on this order.”

“Yes, let’s do that.”

“Ok, the refund should show up within 5 business days. The good news is we don’t need those cards back so you CAN STILL USE THEM.” 

“Uh, sure thanks.”

“With photo orders we are unable to reorder the correct item for you because of the personal information on the cards. You are welcome to reorder the cards.”

 :::insert my eyes rolling back in to my head so far I saw my own brain:::

“I think I’m all set here Karen, thanks.”

“You will likely get an emailed survey on how I assisted you today. I would appreciate it if you would fill that out.”

“K, thanks bye.”

It wasn’t “Karens” fault that the company lacks quality control or better customer service policies. And she was very much following a script. But what am I going to do with a bunch of blank template cards? It was at this point the hilarity of the situation hit me and I started giggling. Then laughing. And Steve walks in and asks “What’s so funny about dinner?” But I can hardly retell the story because I’m crying I’m laughing so hard. Kind of in a psychotic pregnant lady emotional melt down way. Like ugly crying but with laughter? 

I did consider just having the kids draw self portraits on the blank cards and send them out. That also made me laugh. 

So, your cards will be late. 

I placed a new order with a different company. I refuse to expedite them though so I hope you enjoy them into the New Year. 

These are the cards that made me cry and burn the pancakes.  First world problems and all, I know.