Which kid(s) will I see tonight? 

I believe there are three types of preschoolers in the world.

Type One-

Wakes up randomly in the middle of the night, yells like a banshee till a parent or perhaps some sort of first responder shows up to their bed. When the adult gets there they are either sleeping again, having a night terror (dear heavens don’t try to wake them), or wanted to tell you about the grand galloping gala tomorrow for Polly Neigh Hay and the My Little Pony crew… in extreme detail. Oh yeah, and then they have to go to the bathroom. 

Type Two-

Wakes up randomly, quietly collects all belongings of importance and slithers down the hall to parents room. Stands next to bed with face 3 inches from parent SILENTLY till their warm breath on your face awakens you to see creepy silent horror film style kid triggering a rush of fear and endorphins strong enough to lift an adult rhino, and therefore rendering further sleep humorous. You then realize they are mostly naked and they hand you wet pajamas and inform you they had an accident. 

Type Three-

Wakes up, sprints at a pace that would qualify them for some countries Olympic track teams to parents room, hurdles parent one (again, Olympic quality movements) and lands in the middle of the bed. Possibly even already back asleep and cuddling with one parent. (“Let’s nuggle”) while the other parent endures ninja style surprise chops to the face and/or groinular region for the rest of the night. 

Maybe there are more types but this is what we are dealing with. They like to switch it up who is which type kid. BOLO. Don’t get comfy or dare settle in to R.E.M. sleep, they have sensors and are prepared and waiting for this. You do this and you are going to wake up to hear the water running and smell the distinct smell of a permanent marker in the air. Is it on the newly painted walls, is it on the dog, their sibling, your own face? Don’t be that guy. 

In other news, while driving recently E asked me where the eyes in the back of my head are. I’m not even sure where she heard that. But I’m glad that she knows. Maybe Polly Neigh Hay told her about it. 

They aren’t sleeping, they are reloading. Look alive parents.